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00:00:01,568 --> 00:00:04,970
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:05,039 --> 00:00:08,240
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,309 --> 00:00:11,710
♪ But where are those
good old
fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,778 --> 00:00:14,779
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:18,250
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,319 --> 00:00:21,503
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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00:00:21,571 --> 00:00:23,199
♪ All the things
that make us ♪
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00:00:23,223 --> 00:00:24,956
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:25,026 --> 00:00:30,128
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:38,422 --> 00:00:40,672
Hold the door.
11
00:00:40,741 --> 00:00:44,209
Great. It's that guy
I only have
one thing in common with.
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00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:46,912
Hey, Peter. How about
that gay encounter we had?
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God, every time with this guy.
I'm gonna take the stairs.
14
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Oh, my God, I'm never gonna
get up these stairs.
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Okay, it's all right.
16
00:01:01,945 --> 00:01:04,056
I do this every week
in the opening credits.
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00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:05,792
All right, let's see.
How does that go?
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00:01:05,816 --> 00:01:08,416
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
19
00:01:08,485 --> 00:01:10,785
♪ Lucky there's... a man who ♪
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♪ Positively can do ♪
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00:01:13,924 --> 00:01:15,958
♪ All the things
that make us... ♪
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I swear he says the F word.
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Everything hurts.
24
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Everything's wet.
25
00:01:26,036 --> 00:01:27,602
I'm just gonna stay here.
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00:01:28,605 --> 00:01:30,706
Was Labyrinth a good movie?
27
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I can't remember.
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I don't want to
watch it again, though.
29
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Seems like a chore.
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00:01:37,548 --> 00:01:40,649
Aw, even Slinky
from Accounting
can make it up the stairs.
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00:01:40,718 --> 00:01:42,862
Don't forget to turn in
your time card, Peter.
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00:01:42,886 --> 00:01:44,931
What are you, allergic to money?
33
00:01:44,955 --> 00:01:48,623
Ha ha. No.
No, I want to get paid.
Just forgot.
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00:01:48,692 --> 00:01:50,291
Ugh, look at me.
35
00:01:50,361 --> 00:01:53,328
I haven't felt this
out of shape
since I took surfing lessons.
36
00:01:53,397 --> 00:01:55,174
Boy, this is harder
than I thought.
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My arms are
getting really tired.
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Nah, you're fine.
Just keep goin'.
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00:01:59,035 --> 00:02:01,870
Tai,
your positivity is infectious!
40
00:02:01,938 --> 00:02:04,083
All right, P-Town,
wave comin' in.
41
00:02:04,107 --> 00:02:07,576
I'm just gonna give you
a little push,
and you just stand up.
42
00:02:26,446 --> 00:02:29,848
Okay, so,
welcome to the first meeting
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00:02:29,917 --> 00:02:32,417
of our women's
creative writing workshop.
44
00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:35,486
Ladies.
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00:02:37,441 --> 00:02:39,674
Okay, Donna,
you want to read yours?
46
00:02:39,743 --> 00:02:41,009
Oh, I didn't do mine.
47
00:02:41,077 --> 00:02:44,846
Wha...? Well, then you can't
have any more snacks.
48
00:02:44,915 --> 00:02:48,216
You just can't.
Well, I guess it's my turn.
49
00:02:48,285 --> 00:02:52,888
"Louise lowered
her velvet hood, letting loose
her flowing red hair.
50
00:02:52,956 --> 00:02:56,324
"Ignoring her friends' obvious
and understandable envy,
51
00:02:56,393 --> 00:02:59,444
"she confidently approached
the mysterious castle.
52
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:00,945
"The doors blew open,
53
00:03:01,015 --> 00:03:03,915
"as if some magical force
had been expecting her.
54
00:03:03,984 --> 00:03:05,617
"Louise belonged here,
55
00:03:05,685 --> 00:03:08,887
"if only because this is where
Horatio called home.
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00:03:08,955 --> 00:03:11,956
"Then, through the vegetation,
and past the mist
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00:03:12,026 --> 00:03:15,894
"that sprinkled
her heaving bosom,
she saw him.
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00:03:15,962 --> 00:03:20,232
"Horatio, with his long,
flowing
hair blowing in the breeze,
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"his cape fluttering.
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00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:24,764
"He had only two
loves in his life:
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00:03:24,788 --> 00:03:27,989
"his horses and Louise's
heaving bosom.
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"He grabbed her tighter
than she'd ever
been held before.
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00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:34,362
"A way in which her husband,
Paulter, had not held her
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00:03:34,431 --> 00:03:36,526
"since before they were married.
65
00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:38,561
"Horatio then took
Louise by the hand,
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00:03:38,585 --> 00:03:42,220
"leading her out to
his stables as her
bosom heaved.
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00:03:42,289 --> 00:03:44,706
"Louise's mind was racing
in anticipation
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00:03:44,774 --> 00:03:48,243
"of the dirty hay sex that was
gonna most definitely happen.
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00:03:48,312 --> 00:03:52,931
"As the two lovers entangled
into one atop the probably
peed on hay,
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00:03:52,983 --> 00:03:55,049
"Louise's bosom heaved.
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00:03:55,118 --> 00:03:57,196
"They spent the next 18 minutes
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00:03:57,220 --> 00:04:00,572
"fighting off sneezes,
in the throes of ecstasy.
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00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:02,274
Heaving bosom."
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00:04:02,342 --> 00:04:05,611
Damn, that's steamy, Lois.
Really?
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00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:08,313
Uh, yeah, really. Phew!
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00:04:08,381 --> 00:04:09,848
Anybody mind if I open me?
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00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:12,618
Ah!
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00:04:12,686 --> 00:04:15,553
See you in the shower, ladies.
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00:04:19,926 --> 00:04:21,259
What am I gonna do?
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00:04:21,328 --> 00:04:23,728
I've been here all day,
and I can't move.
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00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:27,865
I got it. I'll do what
James Franco did
in 127 Hours.
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00:04:29,235 --> 00:04:30,902
UCLA admissions office.
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00:04:30,970 --> 00:04:33,015
Yes, I'd like to enroll
in a couple of classes
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so I can have sex with
girls not old enough
to get into bars.
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00:04:36,075 --> 00:04:38,577
Peter! I heard you're
in some trouble!
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00:04:40,029 --> 00:04:42,107
I'm stuck! I don't
want to die here!
87
00:04:42,131 --> 00:04:45,017
I just want to go to
my desk and surf the Internet.
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00:04:45,069 --> 00:04:47,769
Hang on, Peter.
I'll come up and save you.
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00:04:50,307 --> 00:04:51,706
Stairs.
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00:04:51,775 --> 00:04:53,742
Why'd it have to be stairs?
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00:05:10,961 --> 00:05:14,245
I can't do it.
Here, you're just
gonna have to kill me.
92
00:05:15,182 --> 00:05:16,815
Wait. Look, Joe.
93
00:05:16,883 --> 00:05:19,634
A lever to turn the stairs
into a slide.
94
00:05:22,355 --> 00:05:23,588
Damn it, Peter!
95
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,868
It's just a little water.
What's it gonna hurt?
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00:05:25,892 --> 00:05:27,025
Oh, God!
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00:05:27,093 --> 00:05:29,327
Delete... history.
98
00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:30,845
No.
99
00:05:32,432 --> 00:05:34,599
No!
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00:05:43,927 --> 00:05:47,429
Peter, you caused millions
of dollars' worth
of water damage,
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00:05:47,497 --> 00:05:50,298
all because you couldn't
make it up the stairs.
102
00:05:50,384 --> 00:05:53,885
Aw, man.
This means I'm the work fatty.
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00:05:53,953 --> 00:05:55,698
I haven't been this
embarrassed
since I forgot
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00:05:55,722 --> 00:05:58,206
about the silent part
in George Michael's "Faith."
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00:05:58,275 --> 00:06:00,286
♪ Well, I need someone
to hold me ♪
106
00:06:00,310 --> 00:06:02,576
♪ But I wait for
something more ♪
107
00:06:02,645 --> 00:06:05,180
I've started using these pills
called Stiff for Hours
108
00:06:05,248 --> 00:06:06,248
from the gas station.
109
00:06:06,316 --> 00:06:08,082
♪ 'Cause I got to have faith ♪
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00:06:08,151 --> 00:06:10,718
♪ Mmm, I got to have faith ♪
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00:06:16,126 --> 00:06:18,092
♪ Dog walking into a room ♪
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00:06:18,162 --> 00:06:20,395
♪ There's food left
on the table ♪
113
00:06:20,464 --> 00:06:22,531
♪ And my owners
aren't around ♪
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00:06:22,599 --> 00:06:24,511
Just gonna do a little
paws
on the table,
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00:06:24,535 --> 00:06:26,935
side of the mouth dog eating.
116
00:06:37,881 --> 00:06:41,082
A Stable Affair by Lois Griffin.
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00:06:41,151 --> 00:06:44,035
Okay, another writer
in the house.
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00:06:48,158 --> 00:06:50,491
Oh, my God, this is amazing!
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00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:54,196
This is basically a guide
to what Lois is looking
for in a lover.
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00:06:54,264 --> 00:06:55,596
Check this out.
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00:06:55,665 --> 00:06:57,833
Lois is writing
a romance novel
about a woman
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00:06:57,901 --> 00:06:59,734
who is unhappy with her husband
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00:06:59,803 --> 00:07:04,306
and begins to have
a torrid affair with a caped
lover who has horses.
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00:07:04,374 --> 00:07:05,773
Don't you know what this is?
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00:07:05,843 --> 00:07:08,844
It's a description
of her every fantasy
and desire.
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00:07:08,912 --> 00:07:10,712
This could finally
be my key to...
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00:07:10,780 --> 00:07:14,782
To what, banging my mom?
You know, you are the worst.
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00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:16,851
Ladies.
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00:07:22,241 --> 00:07:24,509
Ugh! You guys,
this is so embarrassing.
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00:07:24,578 --> 00:07:27,979
All this happened because
I'm too fat to make
it up some stairs.
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00:07:28,047 --> 00:07:29,413
Peter, you got to lose weight.
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00:07:29,483 --> 00:07:31,549
I know. You guys got to
help me, though.
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00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:33,852
I can't do it on my own.
I'm too weak.
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00:07:33,921 --> 00:07:37,300
All right, we'll help
you, Peter, but we're
doing it Quagsberry rules.
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00:07:37,324 --> 00:07:40,124
What's that?
A woman
or in this case, a man
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00:07:40,193 --> 00:07:42,694
has to do anything I say,
no questions asked.
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00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:44,395
Anything, I promise.
138
00:07:44,465 --> 00:07:46,130
My dearest Lois,
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00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:50,535
I've taken Quagmire's place
as a Union soldier
in the Civil War.
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00:07:50,604 --> 00:07:53,772
Shortly after I arrived,
they amputated my leg.
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00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:56,575
I dared them to,
and it was a big mistake.
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00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:59,444
The other guy in my tent
is a wet dead guy.
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00:07:59,513 --> 00:08:01,646
Yours, Peter.
144
00:08:08,404 --> 00:08:11,050
All right, Peter,
today we start
helping you lose weight.
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00:08:11,074 --> 00:08:12,251
First, let me just make sure
146
00:08:12,275 --> 00:08:14,236
you're not hiding any food
in your clothes.
147
00:08:15,779 --> 00:08:19,447
- Taste. Taste.
- Taste the rainbow.
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00:08:19,515 --> 00:08:21,849
Peter, are you hiding Skittles
in your pants?
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00:08:24,454 --> 00:08:26,955
Is that all of 'em?
Just-just give me a second.
150
00:08:30,594 --> 00:08:33,606
When I turned about
40, it started breaking
up into two.
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00:08:33,630 --> 00:08:34,729
Weekend plans?
152
00:08:34,798 --> 00:08:37,038
Please don't talk to me.
I need to focus.
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♪ ♪
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Good morrow!
155
00:08:47,110 --> 00:08:50,428
What is thee, uh, up to?
156
00:08:50,496 --> 00:08:53,364
Brian, is that your horse?
Wh-When did you get a horse?
157
00:08:53,433 --> 00:08:55,193
Oh, I've been an
Equus for a while.
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00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:57,719
The play with
Harry Potter's penis?
159
00:08:57,788 --> 00:09:01,222
Just my trusty steed here.
We have a special connection.
160
00:09:01,291 --> 00:09:03,368
Me being an equestrianist
and everything.
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00:09:03,392 --> 00:09:05,871
I...
I had no idea you
were into horses.
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00:09:05,895 --> 00:09:07,128
Sexy, huh?
163
00:09:07,197 --> 00:09:09,697
No, seems like a hassle,
and expensive.
164
00:09:09,766 --> 00:09:11,232
How do you pay for it all?
165
00:09:11,301 --> 00:09:13,835
Well, the costs are meager
when you're able to dominate
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00:09:13,904 --> 00:09:17,672
and control the beast with
just... the slightest glance.
167
00:09:18,741 --> 00:09:20,342
Stop it.
168
00:09:20,410 --> 00:09:23,327
Ha, ha! What?! This is nuts!
169
00:09:23,397 --> 00:09:26,230
Anyway, I've been
speaking to my horse
in the silent language
170
00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:27,933
of knowing, and I...
171
00:09:28,784 --> 00:09:30,418
Never walk behind a horse.
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00:09:30,487 --> 00:09:32,854
You would have to hate horses
not to know that.
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00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:34,372
Being one with nature.
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00:09:35,775 --> 00:09:37,375
A mutual bond of trust.
175
00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:40,946
Different species, same heart.
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00:09:51,592 --> 00:09:54,358
You're dethspicable.
177
00:09:58,248 --> 00:10:00,048
Welcome to CrossFit, Peter.
178
00:10:00,117 --> 00:10:01,849
How's it different from
a regular gym?
179
00:10:01,918 --> 00:10:04,297
Do regular gyms have
open garage doors
180
00:10:04,321 --> 00:10:07,522
where members' large dogs
can charge innocent civilians?
181
00:10:07,590 --> 00:10:08,956
No, I... I guess not.
182
00:10:09,026 --> 00:10:10,736
Okay, to start,
why don't you go
meet the owner,
183
00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:11,837
Jayce, over there?
184
00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:14,181
He'll help maximize
your nutrition regimen.
185
00:10:14,647 --> 00:10:15,880
Hi, I'm Peter.
186
00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:18,499
Hey, man. Jayce with a "Y."
Yeah, I figured.
187
00:10:18,568 --> 00:10:20,701
So, to start out, like, uh,
188
00:10:20,770 --> 00:10:22,937
tell me, what's
your favorite kind of food?
189
00:10:23,005 --> 00:10:25,005
Pizza.
190
00:10:25,075 --> 00:10:26,718
Oh, man.
What?
191
00:10:26,742 --> 00:10:29,021
You, uh...
192
00:10:29,045 --> 00:10:30,822
Y-you can't eat pizza.
193
00:10:30,846 --> 00:10:32,746
Why not?
194
00:10:32,815 --> 00:10:34,248
It's, uh... it's...
195
00:10:34,317 --> 00:10:36,817
Uh, it's... It's bad.
196
00:10:36,886 --> 00:10:38,819
Why?
197
00:10:38,888 --> 00:10:41,122
Because, uh, it's, like, uh...
198
00:10:41,191 --> 00:10:43,091
pretty bad for you.
199
00:10:43,159 --> 00:10:45,926
- But what makes it bad?
- Oh.
200
00:10:45,995 --> 00:10:48,862
Yeah, no, it's, like, uh...
201
00:10:48,931 --> 00:10:51,177
like, probably one
of the worst things
you can eat.
202
00:10:51,201 --> 00:10:53,167
How come?
203
00:10:53,236 --> 00:10:57,405
Uh, uh, because, of, like,
the ingredients in it.
204
00:10:57,474 --> 00:10:59,394
Which ones?
205
00:10:59,442 --> 00:11:03,411
Uh, I mean, yeah, like,
basically, all of them.
206
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:05,191
Name one.
207
00:11:05,215 --> 00:11:06,847
Yeah, I... yeah, I mean...
208
00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:09,061
you said... your
your words,
209
00:11:09,085 --> 00:11:10,362
uh... Pizza.
210
00:11:10,386 --> 00:11:11,930
All right,
I'm cutting this off
right now.
211
00:11:11,954 --> 00:11:15,406
It's clear you're an idiot
and deserve no
more of my time.
212
00:11:15,475 --> 00:11:18,875
Oh, Peter, you're home
from CrossFit.
Here, have some pizza.
213
00:11:18,929 --> 00:11:20,094
Oh.
214
00:11:20,163 --> 00:11:22,463
Uh, you know what is in that?
215
00:11:22,532 --> 00:11:23,898
It's, like...
216
00:11:23,967 --> 00:11:25,477
It's very bad.
What?
217
00:11:26,669 --> 00:11:28,753
Uh, wow.
218
00:11:28,822 --> 00:11:31,367
Okay, Peter,
a good and
conspicuous workout
219
00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:33,302
is to do lunges on the sidewalk.
220
00:11:33,326 --> 00:11:34,603
Just do like I do.
221
00:11:34,627 --> 00:11:35,938
Step.
Uh-huh.
222
00:11:35,962 --> 00:11:38,563
Step. Step.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
223
00:11:38,631 --> 00:11:40,042
Step.
Uh-huh.
224
00:11:40,066 --> 00:11:42,834
Step. Step.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
225
00:11:42,902 --> 00:11:44,213
Step.
Uh-huh.
226
00:11:44,237 --> 00:11:46,937
Step. Step.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
227
00:11:47,006 --> 00:11:48,506
Step.
228
00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:50,085
- Step.
- Uh-huh.
229
00:11:50,109 --> 00:11:51,520
Step.
Uh-huh.
230
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:54,612
Step. Step.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
231
00:11:54,681 --> 00:11:57,382
Step. Step.
232
00:11:57,450 --> 00:11:58,716
Step.
233
00:11:58,785 --> 00:12:00,752
Step. Step.
234
00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:04,488
Okay, Peter, whatever you do,
don't look down the hole.
235
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,793
Oh, God!
I looked down the hole!
236
00:12:08,862 --> 00:12:11,429
Oh! I got a sense
of what's down there!
237
00:12:11,497 --> 00:12:13,709
Okay, okay. All right,
you can still save this.
238
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,878
Just don't smell.
239
00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:17,942
Oh, God!
I smelled everything!
240
00:12:18,004 --> 00:12:20,705
Oh, it's so deep in my nose!
241
00:12:20,774 --> 00:12:22,173
Okay, okay, whatever you do,
242
00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:24,642
do not dip your cupped hand
in the water.
243
00:12:24,711 --> 00:12:27,122
Oh, God! I'm doing it!
244
00:12:27,146 --> 00:12:29,246
Oh, God!
What is wrong with me?!
245
00:12:29,315 --> 00:12:31,716
The chemicals in the water
are not breaking down
246
00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:34,030
the integrity of
these movements!
247
00:12:34,054 --> 00:12:35,598
Okay, Peter,
you can quit pretending.
248
00:12:35,622 --> 00:12:37,299
The workout's over.
Thanks.
249
00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:40,091
I was just in there checking
my phone.
My phone!
250
00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:48,349
Okay, Peter, whatever
you do, do not open your
eyes underwater.
251
00:12:51,921 --> 00:12:53,254
What the hell?
252
00:12:53,323 --> 00:12:55,167
I thought we were gonna
get a ten-dollar scoop
of ice cream
253
00:12:55,191 --> 00:12:58,159
with all the millennials
who can afford ten-dollar
scoops of ice cream
254
00:12:58,228 --> 00:13:00,373
but can't afford to move out
of their parents' house.
255
00:13:00,397 --> 00:13:02,308
We are. But first
I need to pick up this wine
256
00:13:02,332 --> 00:13:04,076
that Lois mentioned
in her story.
257
00:13:04,100 --> 00:13:06,634
Where's that part
about the wine?
258
00:13:06,703 --> 00:13:09,304
"The doors magically opened."
259
00:13:09,372 --> 00:13:11,673
"Chill came over her."
260
00:13:11,741 --> 00:13:13,408
"Through the vegetation."
261
00:13:13,476 --> 00:13:15,759
"Light mist."
262
00:13:15,829 --> 00:13:18,797
Uh, Brian, everything
you read
just happened to us.
263
00:13:18,865 --> 00:13:21,332
I think her book
is about the grocery store.
264
00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:24,669
Oh... my... God.
265
00:13:24,737 --> 00:13:25,786
What?
266
00:13:25,872 --> 00:13:29,156
♪ ♪
267
00:13:32,646 --> 00:13:35,312
It's the guy, Horatio,
from Lois's book.
268
00:13:35,381 --> 00:13:38,783
She's fantasizing about having
an affair with this guy.
269
00:13:38,852 --> 00:13:41,919
Or, who knows, maybe even
is having an affair with him.
270
00:13:41,988 --> 00:13:43,933
Excuse me, where are
the crackers?
271
00:13:43,957 --> 00:13:45,757
What? We don't work here.
272
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:48,225
We're a dog and a baby.
I... do I...
273
00:13:48,294 --> 00:13:50,372
Do my-do my clothes
make it look like I work here?
274
00:13:50,396 --> 00:13:52,074
I think it's the overalls, yeah.
275
00:13:52,098 --> 00:13:53,564
Hey, get back to work.
276
00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:56,513
I'll see you back at home,
Brian. I've got to finish
my shift.
277
00:14:05,912 --> 00:14:08,663
I don't get it.
You've gained 12 pounds.
278
00:14:08,731 --> 00:14:11,265
Looks like we're gonna have to
take more drastic measures.
279
00:14:11,334 --> 00:14:13,567
Peter, say you're
not gonna have sex with me.
280
00:14:13,636 --> 00:14:14,876
What?
Just say it.
281
00:14:14,937 --> 00:14:16,217
I'm not gonna have sex with you.
282
00:14:18,408 --> 00:14:19,957
Guys, let me out of here!
283
00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:22,159
No! You said you would do
whatever's necessary
284
00:14:22,228 --> 00:14:23,460
to help you lose weight.
285
00:14:23,529 --> 00:14:24,929
Please, let me out!
286
00:14:24,981 --> 00:14:27,381
Glenn, is it okay if
I stay the night?
287
00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:28,950
Oh!
288
00:14:32,855 --> 00:14:34,634
Rancor, what are you doing here?
289
00:14:34,658 --> 00:14:36,157
I'm trying to diet, too.
290
00:14:36,225 --> 00:14:37,725
Eating too many pig guys?
291
00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:40,328
I thought it was the pig guys,
but, you know what,
292
00:14:40,397 --> 00:14:41,829
it was the bread.
293
00:14:48,137 --> 00:14:50,937
- I'm so hungry!
- Let me out!
294
00:14:50,990 --> 00:14:52,885
I'll tell you what...
First guy that lets me out
295
00:14:52,909 --> 00:14:54,342
gets his own spin-off.
296
00:14:54,410 --> 00:14:55,509
Not you, Cleveland.
297
00:14:55,578 --> 00:14:57,618
Sorry, Peter,
this is for your own good!
298
00:14:57,680 --> 00:15:00,314
Yeah, you told us you would do
anything to lose weight!
299
00:15:00,383 --> 00:15:02,516
I lied! I just want
to be free,
300
00:15:02,585 --> 00:15:05,520
like a recently divorced
man with no kids!
301
00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:10,741
This is nice.
302
00:15:10,810 --> 00:15:12,693
This is better.
303
00:15:15,882 --> 00:15:17,381
Stewie, I can't believe it.
304
00:15:17,450 --> 00:15:19,695
I mean, do-do you think
Lois could be having an affair
305
00:15:19,719 --> 00:15:20,785
with this Horatio guy?
306
00:15:20,853 --> 00:15:22,453
Brian, will you watch Stewie?
307
00:15:22,522 --> 00:15:25,890
I have to go get groceries
and won't be back
until later tonight.
308
00:15:25,959 --> 00:15:27,140
Uh, yeah, sure.
309
00:15:27,210 --> 00:15:28,854
Oh, my God, Stewie,
she's going to the store
310
00:15:28,878 --> 00:15:30,756
and won't be back until tonight?
311
00:15:30,780 --> 00:15:32,229
Do you know what that means?
312
00:15:32,298 --> 00:15:35,433
Disguises?
313
00:15:35,501 --> 00:15:37,679
No, but we should follow
her and see what the
hell is going on.
314
00:15:37,703 --> 00:15:39,081
Stewie-chan!
315
00:15:43,742 --> 00:15:46,477
I'll meet you there, Brian.
I've got to finish my shift.
316
00:15:54,104 --> 00:15:56,381
All right, Peter, now, I know
you haven't eaten in a while,
317
00:15:56,405 --> 00:15:58,923
so this is something called
the Pocket Diet.
318
00:15:58,992 --> 00:16:03,177
Okay, guys, empty
your pockets. Whatever you
got in there, he eats.
319
00:16:03,246 --> 00:16:06,580
Uh, Glenn, can we go somewhere
and just talk for a minute?
320
00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:09,083
Aah!
321
00:16:09,151 --> 00:16:12,803
Guys, stop saying things,
all right?
I will say the things.
322
00:16:22,716 --> 00:16:25,099
Oh, my God.
He's getting in the car.
323
00:16:26,436 --> 00:16:29,670
He's going in for a hug.
They're hugging!
This is insane!
324
00:16:29,739 --> 00:16:31,739
I know. This guy.
325
00:16:31,808 --> 00:16:34,208
This guy is a star.
326
00:16:38,365 --> 00:16:40,142
I can't believe it, Stewie.
She picked him up.
327
00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:42,533
They hugged.
Lois is having an affair.
328
00:16:42,602 --> 00:16:43,882
We've got to stop them.
329
00:16:45,005 --> 00:16:47,138
Aw, great.
330
00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:49,773
Just great.
331
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:52,893
♪ ♪
332
00:17:09,995 --> 00:17:11,979
Lois, don't do it!
333
00:17:12,047 --> 00:17:14,827
Brian?
What the hell are
you doing here?
334
00:17:14,851 --> 00:17:15,961
Don't do what?
335
00:17:15,985 --> 00:17:18,285
Don't have sex with Horatio!
It's not worth it!
336
00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:19,737
What are you talking about?
337
00:17:19,805 --> 00:17:22,106
Look, I found your
book and read it.
338
00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:23,540
I thought that you wrote
339
00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:25,387
everything you were
looking for
in a lover,
340
00:17:25,411 --> 00:17:28,279
and, if I could embody
some of those things,
341
00:17:28,348 --> 00:17:30,231
maybe I would have
a shot with you.
342
00:17:30,299 --> 00:17:32,233
But then I found out
Horatio is real,
343
00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:34,279
and-and I couldn't bear to see
you do something like this
344
00:17:34,303 --> 00:17:35,402
to the family.
345
00:17:35,472 --> 00:17:37,805
It's not you, Lois.
346
00:17:37,874 --> 00:17:39,368
Wait, let me get this straight.
347
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:42,493
You, without asking,
read something I wrote?
348
00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:46,197
Then, thinking I was revealing
all my most intimate
wants and desires,
349
00:17:46,266 --> 00:17:49,833
you thought that you
could exploit what you read
to seduce me?
350
00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:52,047
But when you thought
I might be cheating
351
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:53,615
with someone other
than yourself,
352
00:17:53,639 --> 00:17:56,607
you found that, and only that,
morally objectionable?
353
00:17:56,675 --> 00:17:59,860
And you bring Stewie here,
who doesn't understand
any of this?!
354
00:17:59,928 --> 00:18:02,730
I predict, in the finale,
everyone can understand me.
355
00:18:02,799 --> 00:18:04,276
That'd make a
good finale, right?
356
00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:07,685
Brian, this is Horatio.
He's special.
357
00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:09,453
I know you think he's special.
358
00:18:09,506 --> 00:18:12,673
No, he's special.
He's learning disabled.
359
00:18:13,459 --> 00:18:15,042
I like Coldplay.
360
00:18:15,128 --> 00:18:17,144
Ooh...
Oh...
361
00:18:17,213 --> 00:18:19,714
I'm not having an affair
with him, Brian.
362
00:18:19,782 --> 00:18:22,161
I volunteered at
the special needs
living facility,
363
00:18:22,185 --> 00:18:24,329
and Horatio happened
to like horses.
364
00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:26,620
So, once a week,
I take him to the stables.
365
00:18:26,689 --> 00:18:29,768
And the cape is from
a Darth Vader
costume he had as a kid.
366
00:18:29,792 --> 00:18:31,909
Did you know he's the boss
of the stormtroopers?
367
00:18:31,978 --> 00:18:34,679
Yes, I have fantasies
about him dominating me
368
00:18:34,747 --> 00:18:36,024
with his idiot strength.
369
00:18:36,048 --> 00:18:38,950
But it's just that... a fantasy.
370
00:18:39,018 --> 00:18:40,596
That's why I wrote
it in a story,
371
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:43,321
because I knew
that I would never act on it.
372
00:18:43,373 --> 00:18:45,138
Ugh. I never thought a dog
373
00:18:45,207 --> 00:18:47,875
could be such a genuine piece
of human garbage.
374
00:18:47,943 --> 00:18:51,412
Lois, I'm truly sorry
for what I thought.
375
00:18:51,481 --> 00:18:53,581
It all just made sense to me
at the time.
376
00:18:53,649 --> 00:18:56,484
But now that I see what it is,
377
00:18:56,552 --> 00:18:58,318
I'm ashamed of myself.
378
00:18:58,388 --> 00:18:59,965
I hope you can find it
in your heart...
379
00:18:59,989 --> 00:19:01,489
Hey, Bri.
380
00:19:03,025 --> 00:19:04,975
There's a good girl.
381
00:19:08,014 --> 00:19:11,694
Joe and Cleveland,
are you ready to
see your new Peter?
382
00:19:17,056 --> 00:19:18,906
What do you guys think?
383
00:19:18,992 --> 00:19:20,557
I don't believe it.
384
00:19:20,626 --> 00:19:22,059
I'm speechless.
385
00:19:24,197 --> 00:19:26,563
Hey, look, it's Jonah Hill
sometimes!
386
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:36,741
Wow!
Looking good, Peter.
387
00:19:36,793 --> 00:19:39,660
Yes. I might want me
a little taste of that.
388
00:19:39,728 --> 00:19:41,728
Oh, well, Sheila, look out.
389
00:19:41,798 --> 00:19:44,158
Be careful what you ask for,
'cause you never know...
390
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:45,944
I might...
Are-are you serious?
391
00:19:45,968 --> 00:19:47,467
'Cause I will do this, 100%.
392
00:19:47,536 --> 00:19:50,249
My wife's in, too.
I'll call her.
We'll do a whole thing.
393
00:19:50,273 --> 00:19:52,106
Hey, Lois, I got a two-top.
394
00:19:53,242 --> 00:19:54,275
Okay.
395
00:19:54,343 --> 00:19:55,826
She's out, but I'm still in.
396
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,332
Boy, I got to admit,
397
00:20:02,402 --> 00:20:04,279
I feel a little sheepish
to get so fooled
398
00:20:04,303 --> 00:20:06,014
by a silly little book
that Lois wrote.
399
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:08,450
Yes, but, you know, I think
what we missed in all of this
400
00:20:08,474 --> 00:20:12,109
is that Lois wrote a
beginning, middle,
and end to something.
401
00:20:12,178 --> 00:20:13,722
What have you
written lately, Brian?
402
00:20:13,746 --> 00:20:15,558
Well, nothing, but, you know,
I think-I think
403
00:20:15,582 --> 00:20:18,950
any writer knows how
hard it is to be staring
at that blank page.
404
00:20:19,018 --> 00:20:21,285
Sounds like
you did write something:
405
00:20:21,353 --> 00:20:23,020
your career's obituary.
406
00:20:24,323 --> 00:20:26,440
Well, that's our dog and baby.
407
00:20:26,509 --> 00:20:28,275
Hi, this is Chris Griffin.
408
00:20:28,344 --> 00:20:31,478
Boy, Lois had some
amorous adventures this week.
409
00:20:31,547 --> 00:20:33,647
But you know what
really turns me on?
410
00:20:33,716 --> 00:20:34,915
Reading.
411
00:20:34,983 --> 00:20:37,061
Why don't you get yourself
down to the library
412
00:20:37,085 --> 00:20:38,686
and open up a book.
413
00:20:38,754 --> 00:20:40,799
Here's a few of my
favorite books.
414
00:20:40,823 --> 00:20:42,956
J.D. Salinger's
Catcher in the Rye.
415
00:20:43,025 --> 00:20:45,592
The Kite Runner
by Khaled Hosseini.
416
00:20:45,661 --> 00:20:48,595
And, of course,
The Dirt by Motley Crue.
417
00:20:48,664 --> 00:20:50,364
Seriously, read The Dirt.
418
00:20:50,433 --> 00:20:53,300
They snort a row of live ants
like cocaine.
419
00:20:53,369 --> 00:20:55,869
Remember, kids,
a library card is free,
420
00:20:55,938 --> 00:20:58,271
but knowledge is priceless.
421
00:20:58,341 --> 00:21:00,023
Get that Dirt book.